My Testimony: Part 2
- Gabriela
- Nov 15, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: Apr 13, 2025
Chains fall // Fear bow // Here now // Jesus, You change everything - Passion
When I was taught how to share my testimony, I was told to give the big picture. However, by sharing the big picture I’ve missed out on showing all of God’s glory. For the longest time, I felt that this next part of my story wasn’t mine to share because I wasn’t the only one impacted. But as I was sitting in His Presence on a Monday night at Hillside Wesleyan Church, God reminded me that our stories are shared to show His glory. When we keep parts of it to ourselves we are shorting God His glory. Not only does sharing my story show His glory, but it also helps others feel comfortable sharing all the details of their story. I hope that this part shows you that no matter how hard you try on your own, only God can heal, restore, and redeem. Again, there is still one more part after this story so don’t worry if there are some things that don’t make complete sense.
God's Creation
TRIGGER WARNING: This story does contain topics of harassment, assault, and rape either in detail or a brief mention.
I struggled with sexual sin pretty much my entire life. From the age of 5 to the age of 21, I experienced sexual activities with girls, sexual activities alone, and sexual activities with men. It all started when I was young. A family member and I would play Barbies and act like they were making out or touching each other inappropriately and she convinced me that we should act like that too. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there, I thought this was a form of playing with other people (I was 5 for goodness sake) so I turned around and did that with other family members, and even some friends. It even went so far that a friend who ended up not liking it told her mom and got me in trouble. The police were even called in to ask me questions about it, which I now realize was them trying to figure out if I had been sexually abused (I was 7).
After the incident when I was 7, I quit doing stuff with girls and started to explore my body on my own and with a family member. I was still involved in church and I knew that Jesus loved me and I had accepted His love for me, but by not truly knowing what had happened to me or what I was doing, I didn’t know I wasn’t living fully in a relationship with Him. I also did not realize that I still had an incorrect picture of who God says I am. Things with the family member stopped happening before junior high but things on my own continued.
Once in junior high, I began to notice guys more. I was only ever obsessed with one boy in junior high and even tried to use my feelings for this boy to stop myself from masturbating (because at this point I knew it was wrong). Junior high was also when I discovered porn but thankfully I knew it was wrong and was comfortable enough to talk to a friend about it. In 8th grade, I made my first decision to stop masturbating. I had a come to Jesus moment at a friend’s birthday party where we watched horror movies and I couldn’t sleep for weeks, so I decided to fill my sleepless nights with the Bible. Not only did this help me to not be afraid but it helped me to realize I was chasing the wrong things. I didn’t need a boyfriend to validate me or change my life. Even though I learned that in 8th grade, I still struggled. I was trying to change things on my own. I was still striving to be enough.
In my junior year of high school, I started dating a Christian guy at church. I told him my past and his response was that it didn’t change anything. We set up boundaries and kept them. We never really did anything other than a few kisses here and there. But after the break up I spun out of control without realizing it. I picked one guy at school and we made out most days for 3 months. I was still in a place where I still had some boundaries but not many. We only stopped seeing each other because I went away on a 2-month mission trip to Liverpool.
While in Liverpool, I was again reminded of the fact that I was chasing the wrong things and I wanted to fully pursue the Lord. I wanted Him to transform me into the person He wanted me to be. Masturbating became a less frequent occurrence, but still there. I felt I was handing more of my past and my struggle over to the Lord. I went my first year of college without dating anyone and I felt great! Just me and Jesus. Everything was great until I decided to study abroad.
I studied abroad in Madrid, Spain. I went without consulting God, but He allowed me to still go. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the sexual assault and harassment rates were high in this city. One night, I went to a club with a few friends and as we were leaving a man grabbed my wrist tightly and asked for my Facebook. I didn’t really mind because well blocking and ignoring are a thing. After I showed him my Facebook, he asked if he could kiss me. I said no thank you and tried to leave. He gripped me tighter and pulled me in and kissed me. At that moment, I felt my world crumble. I had spent the last year and a half on fire for the Lord and keeping myself pure. I even prided myself in the work God was doing. However, in that instant, I went from “I am saving everything for marriage” to “Who cares, men don’t listen anyway.” I spent the rest of my time abroad entangled in messy relationships full of sexual sin yet not sex (we haven’t gotten there yet). Near the end of my time, the Holy Spirit began to convict me of my actions and I began to wish that I had spent my time differently.
When I returned to the US, I began to feel guilty, unworthy, unclean because of what I had done. I led at a church camp feeling this way, but during that week God revealed to me that I am loved, I am worthy of love, and He has made me clean. Then came a man who I thought was a God-sent to show me that all the things He had said were true. However, I was greatly deceived.
This man was in my life for a year and a half. He encouraged my habit of masturbating, he allowed us to have sex, and he lived addicted to pornography. We both were involved in the church and I knew what was right, but I had picked a partner who was not on the same page. I felt trapped in my relationship because we had sex. I didn’t want to feel unclean, unworthy, unloveable by ending things with him so I convinced myself we would get married and everything would be fine. Oh, how I was wrong.
Once COVID hit, everything began to crack. He began to doubt his faith, I began to take mine seriously again. He began to pressure me more, I began to say no more but he didn’t listen. We began to disagree more and my anxiety shot up. It got to a point where the Lord asked me to seek out counseling, which He had asked me to do before.
God called my heart back to Him in May of 2020. That same month the Holy Spirit broke me and convicted me of masturbating in a way I had never experienced before, so I quit. I began to desire to have sex less and less. But I wasn’t willing to give up my boyfriend just yet because I was still trapped in the mentality that my worth and my value were defined by my sexual sin. I was still convinced that another man would struggle to love me because I had sex with someone else. God continued to speak to me about letting him go, but I wouldn’t listen. It took us getting engaged, him outright denying his faith, and our first true argument for me to realize that I needed to let him go. After we broke up I felt so broken. My only resources were God and a few friends. I prayed and I prayed. I meditated in His Word. I began to listen to what He had to say about my identity, about sex, about my future husband, about my life. It felt like a weight was lifted. The moment I decided to obey, God began to rewire all the desires of my heart and began to restore me.
A few months after the breakup, I began to intentionally talk with the man I’m currently dating. The timing of it all was fast but I prayerfully considered the relationship every step of the way. Through this new relationship, I have been able to see God’s faithfulness, His love, and His desires for me related to romantic relationships and marriage. He brought this man into my life to show me what a true godly relationship looks like with all the respect and love. I still have a lot of healing to go through, especially with my husband if I ever get married. But right now, God is healing my relationship with myself and those closest to me. God tells me I am loved, I am worthy of love, and I am made clean by the blood of Jesus Christ. I will live in that truth each and every day.
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