Hopeless

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness

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Hopelessness is one of the worst feelings. It roots itself in your heart and mind, making you feel like there is nothing you can do. No one likes to feel hopeless. Where do you put your hope?

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The last few days I have felt out of it like I have nothing to live for. It's like there's a void inside of me that cannot be filled. Each time I try to fill it, it feels pointless. I have hopelessness. Everything is out of my control. Nothing I do will change anything. Life is meaningless. Now, I know that not all of this is true, but that does not mean my heart and mind are convinced. When I think about the state I am in, I want to curl up, cry, and hide from the world. There is no hope. When I am with others, it feels like I am empty. I do not want to socialize because it feels fake. I feel like I am putting on a mask so that others believe that I feel the way I want to feel. I just want to feel normal again.

There was one moment this week where I felt something like before. Every Tuesday, I go to a college group at my church. This semester, I started to help on the worship team. At first, I did not want to because I was afraid of how others might react to my performance. After about a month of singing, I have conquered that fear, while the anxiety that still exists is handed over to God. This Tuesday was different. I was not really feeling worship at first, but after practice, something switched in me. I wanted to interact with as many students as possible. I wanted everyone to feel connected. I wanted to be a leader. So I introduced myself to a new person, and I talked with a few people I do not normally talk to. During worship, it felt like the first time I was just worshipping instead of performing. At that moment, it felt like God was using me to lead everyone in worship. It was a powerful experience. Even during the Bible study, I actually spoke up and shared my thoughts. It was such a different experience. I want that again, but I do not know how to reach it.

It feels like my world is crashing down on me, but it could be worse and it has been worse. I keep busy in order to ignore my feelings. I add more to my daily life to feel like I have a purpose. Where did I go so wrong? Why can I not see my relationship with God as my only purpose?

God has loved me unconditionally. He has provided for me every step of the way. He has sheltered me in the storms of life. He has granted me His strength when I was weak. He has shown me His power in my life. So why do I feel so empty? God, what are You doing?

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