Pennywise

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want - Psalm 23:1

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Jonathan and I went on a date in SanTan Village about a month ago. We walked by the Harkins and the only thing he wanted to watch was IT: 2. As many of you know, I HATE scary movies, but I thought maybe I could give it a try. So I watched the CinemaSins (YouTube Channel) of IT and then I watched the trailer for IT: 2. Both were awful. I knew it would be unwise to see the movie because I was already scared. We decided to keep walking around instead.

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Tonight I had an anxiety attack...

I was talking with Jonathan about my experience at Disneyland and how I loved the Guardians of the Galaxy (Tower of Terror) ride but not the Incredicoaster (California Screamin'). He realized that I might have a fear of heights. Now don't get me wrong, it's 100% possible, but I am mainly afraid of looking at the sky. I'm not sure why. I think it's a depth perception thing. So we started discussing the state of my mind. To be honest, I have had some sort of mental issues for as long as I can remember. From hallucinating to anxiety, it's been a rough ride. I have even suppressed memories, thinking it would be better for me. In reality, it has simply left me with a hole in my mind, like I am missing an important piece of information. Jonathan recommended that I see a psychiatrist and I agree. It has definitely been on my mind to see one for awhile now. However, those visits are kind of expensive and I feel like I do not have the money for it. After the discussion, I decided to try and get some sleep, but the moment I closed my eyes, I saw Pennywise. I do not know why but the image triggered fear, anxiety, and panic. I shot my eyes open, turned on my flashlight, and started crying. I freaked out. Jonathan asked me what happened so I told him. He let me cry for a bit longer before trying to get me to go to sleep. I was so afraid of what my mind what do next that I did not want to close my eyes. My mind can be a blissful escape or a terrifying trap. It feels like there is no in between. After I calmed down a bit, I decided to start reading Scripture. I started with Psalm 23 because it is a reminder of God's path for us. Then I read my nightly devotional that I have been behind on. An entire reminder that our lives are made to glorify the Lord. So I prayed. I realized for the first time that even though I had given my life to God there were still aspects that I held onto, specifically my mind. Tonight, I decided to hand my mind over to God. I asked him to help me think of whatever is true, whatever is pure, whatever is right, whatever is excellent, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, and whatever is worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). God knows exactly what I need.

HE WILL PROVIDE: He has proven this by providing me with the opportunity of a second job in a field I want a career in. He has proven this by providing me with an internship that puts me near my abuela, my boyfriend, and my future home church. He has proven this by providing me with the money to go grocery shopping and go home once a month. He has proven this by providing me with friends who surround me with love and support. He has proven this by providing me with the opportunity to receive a higher education. He has proven this by providing me with my current job that I absolutely love. He has proven time and time again that He will provide me.

HE WILL PROTECT: He has proven this by protecting me when I recklessly drove over 90mph on the freeway. He has proven this by protecting me when I walked the streets of Madrid at 4am. He has proven this by protecting me from the evil that exists. He has proven this by protecting me from potentially harmful bacteria in food. He has proven this by protecting me from accidents that could have easily been me if timing was different. He has proven this by protecting me when I was hiking in the middle of the night. He has proven time and time again that He will protect me.

HE HEALS: He has proven this by healing my heart from bad romantic relationships. He has proven this by healing friendships that I thought were lost for good. He has proven this by healing me from sickness that was persistent. He has proven this by healing injuries more quickly than expected. He has proven this by healing my uneven back. He has proven time and time again that He will heal me. He will show His healing power by taking care of my mind.

God is soooooooo good. He is Awesome and Almighty. His love is everlasting and His mercy is unending. His grace flows out like a wave. There is none like Him. I love that I get to sing His praises forever. I wish that someday you can all see God for who He is and how powerful He is.

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